it HAS been a long time. too long in fact. too long since i wrote. everything has been rather mundane for me. just going through the motion of studying and trudging on. believe me, there was nothing interesting at all the past six months that is noteworthy. at least i think. but thats beside the point.

as i mentioned, it has been too long and on sunday night i took my last paper (crosses fingers). for me it was just a relief to all the surmounting pressure that has been put on me (by myself) ended when i put down the pen and handed in that treasury and risk management paper. it wasnt instant gratification (as i pictured), but more of a slow build up. its like suddenly today i realised that 'hey, whats next?'

you know when youre looking foward so much to something and when it comes and boomz (i did not intentionally use the word.. it just popped into my mind), the thing passes and youre left wondering what's the next step.

so then, i decided to go for a run and then things started to just pop into my mind. there are a few things i really hope for to happen within the next few months. havent really told much people about it but then again im keeping mum till it actually happens. in the mean time, im just keeping the faith

The Hard Way Round

Silence, a pin drop.
Do you hear my heart throb?
A cry to whom,whom do we seek?
So quiet this room, almost bleak.

Like he who is always watching,
Love ever endearing
Is all he doeth but observe?
Or is it just our lack of verve.

Only to our hearts in which he says,
And makes the promise of brighter days.
Why then do we not commit with our being,
To this all supreme being?

The mind is weak and full of folly,
Unable to justify right from wrongly.
Need there be a drastic change?
Our shadows we chase, stumbling out of range.

For a mind that wills but a heart unsure,
Into depths unknown we sink, oh the lure!
It is only then we get a revelation,
Like the prodigal son - do we have to first sour our relations?

But love endears and he is forgiving,
Surely there is none like he among the living.
Take this then, a heart contrite
Mold it, use it to be a light.

-Ephy

How Thick is the Thin Fine Line on Which We Thread

Your pillar of strength I hope to be,
I suppose it's a tangible reality

Yet I sit silent dazed, lost,
Wondering, at what cost?

How then do you define,
When you whom I'm head over heels for - oh so fine,

The sum of effort put in,
That's ever fluctuating - like numbers on the lottery win.

For putting too much I'm being pushy,
Put a 'lil less and I'm being pussy.

Justify the ink that plots the thin fine line
And where, above or below, do I fade or shine?

It's a question I ask, the answer I seek.
And yes, admit I do, the inner turmoils makes Ephy meek.

Of all the trials and tribulation,
In this I pray for a revelation.

And make that you will, this tangible reality
Not just another memory

-Ephy

im facing a mental block right now. its like when you know what youre supposed to do but the circumstances dont permit you in doing so. friends have been really accommodating and nice. you know who you are guys.

im sure at one point or another we all have compared ourselves with our friends (some of us even overdoing it). well besides giving you that ego boost and benchmarking yourself, it doesnt really give an accurate sign of where you are. read: if you mix with lousy people youre the best of the worst but that makes you probably somewhere around worst of the best if youre with and elite group no? so if comparing aint accurate, why do we still do it? maslow's heirarchy of needs? i dont know. all we need is a lil confidence and some lovin...

yes myself included.

im down but not out.

Idiot the Wise

We choose our paths, our fate.
Mere humans we are. struggling, striving.

Ever searching, looking for that light guiding
Why are we at times having to navigate through harsh landscapes

Bleak, gloomy, and foreboding?
Reminisce the days of youth gone by - refreshing.
Oh the halcyon days, the sweet escape!

The world we live in, hardened by cynicism
Conniving. full of conspiracy.
There's more. its written not in the stars, but on the walls.

We create our own cataclysms.
In our minds, the ideology
In our hands, the means to break the fall

The means to break the fall...

-Ephy

ask me if i am superstitious and the answer you will get is 'no'. there is no such thing as ghosts, vampires or witches. the closest you can get to a vampire is the government, who actually sucks all your money dry and leaves you all giddy from the loss of money for own personal use. but i digress...

been hearing a lot of 'new year talk' recently, and talk of like 'a new start' and 'new beginnings' often spring up in the conversation (not to mention new money, whatever that means). when i was driving home last night, i was thinking to myself whether of not i offended anyone in particular. i couldnt think of anyone at that point, but im sure i did. and yeah, i just wanna take this opportunity (so i can get into the 'pantang' mood too) to apologize if i really did offend anyone previously. (you can count yourself in too if it was over a year ago)

i think it takes a lot for some to apologize. more for some, less for others but the biggest mistake people make is accusing others first when they themselves are guilty. yes, even i, at times (especially while driving) will do that. but 'fessing up sure does get a lot off your chest. its just the asian culture per se. people are too proud or stubborn to look at oneself first.

since new year is also a time for renewal, it also speaks of a time for change. those caught in between are those in transition. i am in transition.

for someone who has been at management level before, obviously expects more out of life and the things around him. theres something with me now that im just trying to find. its not there. at times i think i am close, but when i search a little further, i come to a dead end. its frustrating at times because the thing you want is not material, it cannot be defined. you know it when youve got it but there is no one way to get it.

i am so unsettled now, sometimes it makes me seem like im distant. people, dont get the wrong idea. i am okay. i am upbeat, but think: who motivates the motivator?

this wasnt intended to be a dreary note for the new year. just a reminder for me when i look back that this was how it was this new year and how things (and here comes the cliche) can only get better, and an apology to all - meā culpā.

i will find my shangri la. i must.

a song that speaks my mood right now.



A&B will be performing at zoukout 2008 btw.. i cant wait

its the first time in a long time since i last tried to write. with the use of face book nowadays, hardly anyone blogs anymore. well, i guess i speak for myself.

tonight is also the first time in a long time im having trouble SLEEPING. yes ladies and gentlemen, my life, for the past 4 or so months has been so hectic and tonight, of all nights, after finishing the last paper for this semester's exam, im having trouble sleeping.

there have been so many things on my mind i just feel i had to get out of bed to blog.

maybe an update of the things that have come to pass is a suitable opening? lets see. the first big thing was that i got a job after ten, yes TEN months of enjoyment, late nights and parties. that was in July. slowly, together with my school curriculum things have been just so busy.

i guess because of this people just misunderstand me. through the course of work and school, ive learnt that communication plays a very important part in a relationship. be it platonic or physical, or even with friends or colleagues, if there isnt enough transparency or communication, a relationship would just go the wrong way. till now people get the misconception that im the one always not needing to work and always able to party like there's no tomorrow. well, sad to say they're wrong. they still bring along that misconception and whenever they call, they expect me to be there, "where the party's at" i always say. i still do go and enjoy going coz its a break from all the madness at work, but ive also learnt to limit and prioritize.

i also guess ive offended some people along the way. for those who have been so close to me previously, they just behave like we dont know each other anymore. its so sad to just drift apart. there's no excuse for not doing anything about it but barriers such as time inflexibility and procrastination have all contributed to this . again, lack of comunication.

birthdays, events, exams came and went - im sure for those of you reading you can see from my facebook profile whats been up. i guess anyone in my shoes should be contented. but why is it that im up at this hour, disturbed by something and unable to sleep. strangely i dont know what it is. what do i want? what is my goal? why am i here?

i thought i had figured these all out before. man, i need somebody to talk to. is anyone listening? im tired of being the listener. so so tired...

friends. you cant live without them, yet you cant live with just any 'friend'. they accomodate you, lift your spirits up, make you angry, cast your fears aside, give you advice, bug you, do silly things with you, dare you, travel with you, some even shit together with you (not in the same cubicle though). what brings people together? what makes them drift apart?

its been six months or so since ive come back. alot of people have came. some stayed, others moved on. occasionally, i tend to meet someone new. some refreshing, some just piss the hell off of you. i always thought that if the friend didnt suit you, just leave. however when youve reached a certain age, youll realise its not all about giving up and walking away. its about helping them along as well.

just tonight while i was at zouk, i suddenly just went blank and stared into the crowd while standing on the steps of the main bar area. gosh it'd been so long since i stood here all alone. olivia was on the podium, the rest were just scattered everywhere else. it felt good in a way, yet on the other hand i felt a tinge of exasperation - you know those type of moods you get when you stare at the crowd all grooving to the beat and you, just you alone is silent, observing. you are nothing, yet on a whole you are also one with them. looking at each individual, trying to feel what they feel or think. why their thoughts eventually contribute to their actions and words.

i thought of a few friends. relating to a few instances, i did a quick analysis (yes people, i DO think!) i thought what went wrong, whether there was anything i could do to make it better. i think it all boiled down to two things really - of which one is money.

yup, just like Nelly says, it must be the money. when youve got it, everyone will swarm to you, and when you dont wanna spend, only the good ones stay. first hand experience here. sadly, it is a vicious cycle that doesnt end. no bragging intended but since i came home, ive opened enough bottles to get all the woodlands st 82 neighbourhood cats a nice place in SPCA; and you can see already who chips in and who silently (almost like a ninja) fades away.

im not saying im not guilty of this too. it even caused ________(insert female bestie's name who stays at holland) and i to quarrel. good thing shes understanding (and im *ahem* accomodating). you know i love you girl! but the bottom line is even though we've put that behind and carried on from there things just arent the same - we dont call that often or meet up that often. yah sure you can attribute it to busy schedules and all but deep down i think its coz of that ordeal. hey but everyone learns from mistakes.

i just hope im not too late.

i guess after much thought on the second, what pulls or pushes friends together is character my friends, character.

we start out without both to begin with, both of which we must build...