Because I fly
I laugh more than other men
I look up an see more than they,
I know how the clouds feel,
What it's like to have the blue in my lap,
to look down on birds,
to feel freedom in a thing called the stick...

who but I can slice between God's billowed legs,
and feel then laugh and crash with His step
Who else has seen the unclimbed peaks?
The rainbow's secret?
The real reason birds sing?
Because I Fly,
I envy no man on earth.

- Grover C Noorwood

oh look, its a day before my birthday and i didnt even realise it.

19th august 2010. a few weeks now stand between it being the most important birthday of my life... or not.

im now in tamworth, australia. its my 4th day here and im still trying to get acustomed to everything. The place is nice. though inland, it is rather scenic, with vast endless blue skies, breathtaking sunsets and beautiful night skies.

so far the weathers been cold and for the first time in my life, i feel really sick because of the weather. was having quite a bad headache yesterday but it has gotten better after lots of water and some rest.

im also getting used to the gf not being around. i really miss her so much. it has been only 4 days. i thought i’d be okay after staying overseas for 2 years but i think im too attached to her to not think about it so much. will time change things? thats probably another topic for another time.

right now, all thats on my mind is flying.

we already met or saw most of the instructors. i wonder who will be taking me. actually to me it doesnt really matter as long as i remember the stuff that im supposed to and not blank out. sounds easy huh? its not.

happened a few times during mental flying. im so mentally drained everytime i mental fly. it IS fortunate though that we are in australia and the good thing about that is the FOOD!

im quite a small eater but the food here is absolutely good! i think im eating twice of my normal consumption compared to singapore. the scales dont lie - 75kg!!!

i just pray that i pass this AGC with flying colours (pun intended) and get back to Singapore soon so i can see you :)

i think i have been learning patience over this past one year.

it used to be that whatever i wanted was so within reach, coming so easily (no pun intended).

after being in customer relations, juggling customers while doing my part time degree, i have learnt much (shall not go into the nitty gritty)

learning to wait for the things you want makes getting it so much more worthwhile. my office is located in taiseng, which is near paya lebar airbase. most occasions when i step out of the train station, ill see a c-130 flying past or just about to land.

it will remind me about my application to the airforce and how to practice patience.

i applied to be a pilot about a year and a half ago. pretty long especially if youre waiting for a job confirmation. i had to be put through a few tests such as psychomotor/aptitude test (airforce calls this the COMPASS test), the medical exam and finally the interview. in overview, if you look at it, it WOULD seem pretty fast.

Why the long wait you ask? Okay, firstly it took 3 months 'for my application to be processed'. After i went down to take the 6 hr test i had to wait another maybe 4 more months for the results. then i was scheduled to go for a medical exam, which even measures how wide your ass is (to see if you can fit into a cockpit).

Through that medical exam, the doctor 'suspected' something wrong with my liver as it was 'bigger than usual'. so, they scheduled an ultrasound for me at NUH. during the scan it was found that my liver was perfectly fine and that i could continue to binge drink. however, the scan results showed that i had a slightly inflammed gall bladder and even though the staff at NUH said that i need not remove it, doctors at aeromedical centre were not taking chances.

so the self sponsored operation took place early this year, about a year after my application. after recovery, i was sent to do an eye test to see if i could undergo PRK (some sort of treatment similar to LASIK but not) and at around the same time i also passed my interview. By God's grace everything is okay and just awaiting the approval of my university results.

The 'approval of results' is because i just got my degree and i have to use my degree to enter the airforce. i am overaged so i cannot use my diploma to enter. the complicated thing now is that the government churns out a list of which universities are recognised each year and i am waiting for their approval, if not just like that, i am out. i am also in a race against time because if i do not get confirmed by August (my birthday) i am totally out because the age cap is 27 and i will turn 28 come august.

So being a rather impatient person, i have learnt that patience and perseverance helps me envision my goals and makes me treasure what i have. i also have learnt to be more patient with the girlfriend as she is sometimes a LITTLE blur..

The news of my acceptance will be out soon and hopefully i havent come so far for nothing. Everyone is tellin me that i'll get it. Words of encouragement that i hope will materialize...

came home not to long ago and my home phone started to ring.

i dont usualy pick up the home phone coz whoever is calling sure isnt looking for me.

i picked up the phone and heard voice i havent heard for a long time - my eldest aunty.

i used to think that she was quite 'lor so' while talking to her but when i9 spoke to her this time round, i could feel something different.

she was aging.

you know that sound when you hear it while talking to the elderly.

i stopped for a moment to ask how she was and how were things on her end.

i heard from mum she was 'sort of losing a bit of her memory'.

its sad how age takes its toll on you. robs you of your youth and whatever external beauty youve got and replaces it with wrinkles and decreasing health.

now that her husband is gone and no one to accompany her i actually could feel her loneliness.

is that why people go crazy sometimes or just start to lose it?

i made a mental note to pray for her and to talk more with her the next time i see her. Take care dua yi...

it HAS been a long time. too long in fact. too long since i wrote. everything has been rather mundane for me. just going through the motion of studying and trudging on. believe me, there was nothing interesting at all the past six months that is noteworthy. at least i think. but thats beside the point.

as i mentioned, it has been too long and on sunday night i took my last paper (crosses fingers). for me it was just a relief to all the surmounting pressure that has been put on me (by myself) ended when i put down the pen and handed in that treasury and risk management paper. it wasnt instant gratification (as i pictured), but more of a slow build up. its like suddenly today i realised that 'hey, whats next?'

you know when youre looking foward so much to something and when it comes and boomz (i did not intentionally use the word.. it just popped into my mind), the thing passes and youre left wondering what's the next step.

so then, i decided to go for a run and then things started to just pop into my mind. there are a few things i really hope for to happen within the next few months. havent really told much people about it but then again im keeping mum till it actually happens. in the mean time, im just keeping the faith

The Hard Way Round

Silence, a pin drop.
Do you hear my heart throb?
A cry to whom,whom do we seek?
So quiet this room, almost bleak.

Like he who is always watching,
Love ever endearing
Is all he doeth but observe?
Or is it just our lack of verve.

Only to our hearts in which he says,
And makes the promise of brighter days.
Why then do we not commit with our being,
To this all supreme being?

The mind is weak and full of folly,
Unable to justify right from wrongly.
Need there be a drastic change?
Our shadows we chase, stumbling out of range.

For a mind that wills but a heart unsure,
Into depths unknown we sink, oh the lure!
It is only then we get a revelation,
Like the prodigal son - do we have to first sour our relations?

But love endears and he is forgiving,
Surely there is none like he among the living.
Take this then, a heart contrite
Mold it, use it to be a light.

-Ephy

How Thick is the Thin Fine Line on Which We Thread

Your pillar of strength I hope to be,
I suppose it's a tangible reality

Yet I sit silent dazed, lost,
Wondering, at what cost?

How then do you define,
When you whom I'm head over heels for - oh so fine,

The sum of effort put in,
That's ever fluctuating - like numbers on the lottery win.

For putting too much I'm being pushy,
Put a 'lil less and I'm being pussy.

Justify the ink that plots the thin fine line
And where, above or below, do I fade or shine?

It's a question I ask, the answer I seek.
And yes, admit I do, the inner turmoils makes Ephy meek.

Of all the trials and tribulation,
In this I pray for a revelation.

And make that you will, this tangible reality
Not just another memory

-Ephy

im facing a mental block right now. its like when you know what youre supposed to do but the circumstances dont permit you in doing so. friends have been really accommodating and nice. you know who you are guys.

im sure at one point or another we all have compared ourselves with our friends (some of us even overdoing it). well besides giving you that ego boost and benchmarking yourself, it doesnt really give an accurate sign of where you are. read: if you mix with lousy people youre the best of the worst but that makes you probably somewhere around worst of the best if youre with and elite group no? so if comparing aint accurate, why do we still do it? maslow's heirarchy of needs? i dont know. all we need is a lil confidence and some lovin...

yes myself included.

im down but not out.